Well here I am. 2:30 am and I am still awake. For a month this has been the usual. I have been unable to sleep for a MONTH!! It is slowly taking a toll on me. Thankfully though tomorrow I am going to the Doctor. I am not a Doctor person. I take my kids, But as far as me I usually just stick it out whatever is going on. But I can't ignore what has been going on with my body and mind lately because ultimately the ones it affects the most are my children. Not to mention it's taking it's toll on my marriage as well. But still the only thought in my head was how I didn't want to take money away from Christmas to go but I can't stand it anymore. I have always slept good, never any issues. Now I can't sleep at all.. I FINALLY fall asleep at 7 or 8 in the morning and then only sleep till 9 or 1o when my son wakes up and then I drag ass all day and live for the moments he goes down for a nap and then sleep as long as he will let me. It's not fair to me and its not fair to my kids and I HATE this! I hate it so much! I want my life back, dammit!! It's hard to explain what is going on, I don't even like to and I am nervous about even talking to the Doctor tomorrow, And I am embarrassed! I do not want to sound like I am crazy or weird. When it first started a month ago, October 29th to be exact. I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air,my heart was pounding and my mouth was soooo dry. I got up, got a glass of water and was able to fall back asleep after a while but I kept waking up like that off and on the rest of the night. And that continued for a good week or so. Now, My issue is I just cant GO to sleep. I am sleepy, I feel the sleepy. I just can not calm my mind down enough to go to sleep. I lay awake worrying about someone coming into the house and hurting my babies,I feel like I can't breath and I feel anxious! So I finally just get up and do things around the house or get on here or watch movies until I finally am so exhausted that I pass out sitting up! And I can't sleep in my bed. For some reason in my bed it is even worse. So I have slept on the couch for a month! I know I am really disappointing my husband. And that kill's me. It kills me even more that I am unable to be 100% here mentally for the kids because I stay so sleepy. I have tried taking different sleeping med's and nothing is working. I cut out my cokes other than when we go out to eat, I have tried the taking a bath and unwinding before bed to relax, I have tried propping pillows, I have not been using my bed for anything but sleep and sex like everyone say's and NOTHING is working!! I find myself mad more than I am happy. I want to cry I am so miserable! I have never been so exhausted in my life!! I hope the Dr can tell me something.. Shed a light on anything.. I am sure one of the issues is I am FAT! And I have been cutting down on my food too! In fact, we are ALL about to start doing that as well. I am just ready to start making steps to see what is going on! Everyone tell's me it's stress and anxiety. I am sure it has something to do with it I just can't pin point what exactly it is that is stressing me out. The kids are really not that bad. The ONLY thing I can really say that it stressing me is the house, I feel like I can never get it to stay clean like a want, and me and husband have been fighting lately. But I think that would get better once I got to sleeping better.

Anyways enough with this talk!
The kid's have been doing great. Shayleigh and Mason both got a haircut the other week and look really cute. Shayleigh's is a short hair cut and I nearly DIED when she took the first snip but I really love it now. This weekend we will have all the kids so I am excited. Robbie will also be off so it will be nice for him to get to spend time with them and my cookie dough should be in tomorrow so hopefully we can bake cookies and make Christmas decorations on Saturday with all the kids. It would be super fun! I have been folding clothes and making robbie some "Bacon,Egg and Cheese Buscuits" for work tommorow since I have not been able to sleep. I guess if I am gonna be awake I oughta do something, right?

We took family photo's the other weekend and they came out nice. We should of went earlier in the day while the sun was out good but I was the one who said "O let's do a evening" Hmm!
Well, I think I will get off this thing and fold another thing of laundry and maybe lay down and try to fall asleep to a movie!

O btw Marmaduke is a SUPER CUTE MOVIE!!